by Jon Davis
The Church has let us down. Even while it continues to make a commercial product the activity of marriage ceremonies, it has abandoned the process by which men and women may meet and declare themselves suited for marriage, and instead handed the responsibility to bars and mostly-secular web sites.
The institution of marriage began when Adam and Eve first breathed their first breaths and met each other. It is God’s design, reflected scientifically in nature. Every child should have a father. Every child should have a mother. There should be a perfect balance in the cohesive unit that is a nuclear family. Every person should engage with the world after being raised in a nurturing, bonding family of love. Every parent plays a role in teaching their child about the ways of the world, about how to function in society, and about how to live as a contributing member of society. Meanwhile, the establishments of Christianity, Judaism, and other religions that recognize the natural order of monogamous, heterosexual marriages have been situated as the authoritative infrastructures by which family units are initially established and defined–the act of marriage itself is a religious process. But, why are they not engaged in the acts prior, leading up to engagement to marry?
Even today, some societies have, or very recently had, prearranged marriages as a standard process of family engagement. The parents of one family would coordinate with the parents of another family to see that their children are bonded for life. In India, most of the married couples were set up by their parents while they were in their teenage years. Surprisingly, these marriages tend to last a lifetime. The marriages aren’t necessarily joyous, but the vows are kept. This process is a far cry from Western society’s patterns of simply allowing young people to meet each other, “fall in love”, and decide to marry whomever they may choose. Sadly, the rate of divorce in Western culture is greater than the rate of marriage. The mention of this fact is not to suggest that dating-for-finding-a-mate is less ideal than prearranged marriage, rather it is to point out that with great liberty comes responsibility.
Western culture has neglected to teach children that marriage is permanent.
Western culture has neglected to teach children that having a mate and starting a family is the scientifically provable natural component of a complete human life process. Many assume it, while others don’t see the point of it at all.
Rather, Western culture has “progressed” in the blossoming of liberties in the prioritization of feelings and chemical reactions in the brain as the basis of major life choices, rather than the observations of order. Just as it is scarce that young men and young women may find themselves tackling adulthood without financial debt, likewise it is scarce that they would marry because “it made sense” as a natural stage in life. Rather, marriage, now considered passé, is seen as an emotional decision, one based on feelings so deep that each thinks they would love to try to make it work “more permanently,” but pointless as it would formalize the whole “move in together” thing in a perhaps old fashioned, church-approved way.
This is a far cry from the clear design of the Father. Marriage is supposed to be a stage of life where you don’t just have a “more permanent” living space partner, rather you meet your other half. You become one flesh, for life.
This isn’t taught in schools, where children are trained in academia. Indeed, schools have opted to teach at best how sexual activities affects physical health, and at worst how perversions against God’s patterns should be tolerated and normalized. It is no longer taught in the home, where fathers come home drunk or have abandoned their families entirely, or where divorce has destroyed each child’s comprehension of family stability. But worse yet, it is no longer taught in church, the last, final authority where God’s word is spoken, where God’s design is supposed to be emphasized.
And it isn’t just in the failure to teach. It’s in the failure to provide tooling. It’s in the failure to be there for single people to not only discover and learn the ideals of God’s patterns, but to pursue them in a safe place and manner. Occasionally, churches provide “singles groups” for single men and women. But often these turn into support groups for divorcees, or do not facilitate a meaningful venue for people to interact and know each other, but rather become another venue of hired church minsters to deliver church formulas, the delivery of mono-podium sermons, while actual interactive activities where people can bond together are snuffed out for being “too worldly” or “too shallow” or ultimately “not what we [the church] are here for”.
This puts the burden of people meeting people upon bars, meetups, and dating web sites and apps. As a man, I have found that I have scarcely ever found any “bonding” with any woman fruitful outside of talking and doing activities together. How, in the real world, is this supposed to happen in our society anymore? We all know what bars are like–alcohol oriented and ultimately often sex-driven. Meetups are actually very good for meeting people and doing things together while getting to know people, but they often tend to be focused on their niche, and often lead to various mix-in problems–bad apples ruining it for everyone else. Dating web sites are usually the best bet for people to find each other, providing and exposing profiles filled with photos and personality essays, but such sites have tended to be shallow. This is especially true of dating apps, like Tinder and Bumble, where relationships are formed by a two-way first sight “lustworthiness” scale. Lust never leads to wise decisions.
We are now a society where everyone is nose deep in their smartphones, people measure each other by lusts, and compatibilities by aesthetic preferences. The dating tools we have are tailored for these traits, and there’s not much else to facilitate the process.
The system has become broken.
Body of Christ, Meet One Flesh …
… One Flesh, Meet Body of Christ
The likeliest of a successful marriage that forms a nuclear family would be a “tri-unity”. God, man, and woman, all loving each other in a three-way matrix of love. That “third component” can’t be missed, and it completely changes the nature of formulating a partnership. Often when Christians are out looking for each other, they do so looking for Christianity as the other’s religious affiliation. This is a start, not a particularly good one. The more serious of candidates, typically ladies, will require that the candidates they might date are actively involved in their church. This is definitely a significant step forward.
But consider this: what about finding one another in service? No, I don’t mean looking across the sanctuary to see that hot person over there during church service. And I don’t mean in service as in the military. But that’s closer. I mean, what about real, exercisable activities being engaged in the auspices of following Christ, outside of the sanctuary? A well-running church doing what it should do should be doing more than hosting Sunday sermons. There should be outreach ministries, ministries to feed people, Bible studies, home groups. These should be excellent venues for single people to find one another under the auspices of formulating a three-person relationship, with God as the third person.
Education of the public about God’s design and order is also a necessary component of a society that facilitates natural marriage. Good information has been washed out, firehosed away by liberal media. Morally “progressive” messages portraying ideologies in perversions against God’s order have swathed over TV shows, movies, magazines, and media web sites, and has gotten to the point that any worldview that isn’t “progressively” liberal is considered “hateful”.
It has reached a breaking point. Jesus addressed marital perversion not by declaring it perverted but by pointing out God’s intended design. Fighting away the influences of perversion has become a pointless exercise. Now all that is left to do, all that can be done, is to be a lingering bastion of truth for those who would listen, a tool for those who would engage, and a resource for those who would pursue a logical, wise path towards order and God’s blessings.
And so the purpose of 1man1woman.dating is to become a tool for those who would seek to find someone and formulate a “triune marriage”, and a resource of information to be guided on the path of God’s design and intent. On the latter bit, I hope that this blog article is a good starting point for discussion. As for the tool, this may take some time. But this will indeed be a dating web site. What will make it unique, other than focusing potential candidates as people who are specifically looking for monogomous, heterosexual relationships, will have to be thoughtfully considered. There’s much to weigh in on.
Do you have any great dating web site ideas for the Christian singles community? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I look forward to hearing from you.